Okay I was kinda feeling neglectful of this blog since I've been pretty consistent with my SL blog. So I thought what better way to show I still care than making a whole new layout for it :D
Lol okay the truth is I like to think of this blog more as a test blog. For example any new code or fixes I try out here first ;p
But I have been thinking for a while that it needed a face-lift. Thanks to BlogU the layout looks absolutely beautiful! And thanks to Hackosphere the peek-a-boo posts are working again yaye!!!
Though I am sad that the old layout is gone :(
However, the new theme is the semi-morose look I wanted since this blog is not as upbeat as the SL one ;) It's more of a ranting journal sometimes so I wanted it darker...
Lol I think that was accomplished :D
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Fresh New Layout :)
Monday, September 22, 2008
Silent Soldiers
I heard the term "silent soldiers," on a Japanese drama I was watching over the summer. The term was used to describe child victims of abuse. The word abuse often is associated with violence but there are other types of abuse such as neglect or emotional abuse. What people often don't know is that a victim of physical abuse is either found dead or close to death yet victims of neglect or emotional abuse are usually never found at all. Their scars are invisible to the naked eye except in the eyes of others like themselves."One cannot understand pain unless they have felt it first."
It is hard to admit that for a time I was a silent soldier. Well at least I choose to believe it was only for an episode in my life.
As the story usually goes my parents after an awful, violent fight went their separate ways. I was about 13 when I moved to the neighborhood I still live in. My mother over night became a single parent, and even she admits she didn't know how to be a parent.
She's a nurse and usually works long hours in shifts that usually left me in the care of my father. I had and older brother and sister but because of certain events that happened years before I was born, they treated me like an annoying parasite. So the only one I was really close to was my father, another thing that lead to a strained relationship with my siblings and still a sore point to this day.
So when the big fight happened my world literally turned upside down. I no longer lived in a house full of people I lived in an apartment with just my mom who was a stranger to me. At first it was a big adjustment to both of us because neither of us were ever dependent on each other before. It became clear from the beginning that my childhood was forever dead. I wasn't a child, I had to take care of myself and my mother anyway possible. I became very independent quickly because if I didn't I don't think we would have survived.
Plus by being busy taking care of myself and my mom I could ignore the fact that I was lonely. Because of the fight my mother was reluctant to let me see my father. This worstened when I was in my first year of high school because she went to court to sue my father for child support and custody. She won full custody meaning if she never want me to see my father no one, especially the law would go against her. So for about 3 months I could not see my father. For 3 months I couldn't even call him, all I had for company on those long days was my cat Mischiefus. My mother was never around because of work so I was often alone, my friends were too far to visit, and my mother was never home so that I could visit them.
Could you say my neglect started at this time, perhaps, but it wasn't as painful as it sounds. I learned to enjoy loneliness and to this day I feel great comfort when I am alone. My silent soldiering start the day "he" came into my life. Because his name still fills me with hate I shall call him for this article PL.
PL was a second or third cousin of my mother. They used to hang out when they were very very little so hardly recognized each other when they met at a party. He was in NY visiting or something when they met because he lives in Florida. For a few months my mom and PL had a long distance relationship. He sounded nice on the phone but that's where anything good I have to say about him ends.
They both arranged for him to visit for a month or maybe more. I never saw my mother so happy so I was determined to like him for her sake. From the day he arrived till the day he left, everyday was a living hell. He didn't like the fact that I didn't speak any Spanish and that I talked to my mother in English. Basically he hated the fact that he couldn't understand what we were talking about. Then as a way to maybe make us closer he wanted me to tutor him in English since he was taking some ESL classes. He never asked me for much just to check to see if his hw was correct it usually was but if anything was wrong and I pointed it out or failed to point it out he would start to yell and scream at me and verbally tell me I was a piece of crap.
In other words, he took his frustrations out on me. I took it, holding in my tears, not letting him or my mom know that it was killing me. My mom used to come to my room at night to chat a little before I slept, PL didn't like it because he thought I was saying bad things about him, which wasn't true because I always just talked about school with my mom for the ten minutes she came to my room before I slept. So that stopped, because every day he would make an issue about it. TV was strictly his business and all he watched was sports and never mind anyone had to sleep he would blast the volume as high as he pleased.
Sometimes to make me cry he would take my textbooks away from me so that I couldn't do my hw. He would hide them and only put them back in the mornings. Therefore, every morning on the bus I had to read and do the hw that I couldn't because he had my books.
To further annoy me he would openly insult my father, and my last name. Tell me that I was to blame for all my mother's woes. That my father was evil, and that if he ever married my mother he would never let me see my father again.
I took all this abuse in and cried every night alone in my room. My room was my only sanctuary, the only place I could escape to and read books to get my mind off the situation. It was sacred to me so of course he had to mess it up. He turned my lock around so that anyone could lock me in and I couldn't lock anyone out. He removed some of my furniture telling my mom it would be better and she went along with everything he said.
But eventually he would have to go back to Florida. Then I would be at peace and my mom back to normal. However, he would always come back unexpected and again stay for a couple of months. At some points I was so scared to stay alone with him in the apartment because my mom was at work that I called my sister. She didn't understand why I was so worried so would only stop by for 5 minutes then leave me alone again.
I've always had this odd habit of forgetting really horrible events in my life. I guess you could call it self hypnotic amnesia to forget things I just don't want to remember. Well many of those days we were alone, I remember the terror I felt being alone and knowing I couldn't lock him out, then it's a blank and I remember hearing my mother come home from work and my room is dark and PL telling my mom I already went to bed.
My mind is full of these odd memories where parts are missing. Sometimes those missing parts come back and I wish they never did. So the worst memories that I have are of the trip to Florida when my mom and I stayed at PL's apartment. I was so nervous and scared that I couldn't keep any food down. From the day we arrived I was throwing up every night. Only when my aunt Elva came to stay as well as my cousin Vicky did I start to get better. I finally had people around besides PL and my mom.
It was during the whole PL episode in my life that I learned to hide my feels. I learned to smile even though I wanted to kill myself. I learned to act like nothing was wrong. I had to because I couldn't let others around me know what was going on. Not because anyone threatened me but because I didn't want to create any more problems between my mother and father.
So it was a shock that my aunt Elva knew I was not alright, that I was depressed, and that PL had no right to treat me the way he was treating me. However, because he yelled at PL for treating me like garbage he got more violent with me when she left to go home. Though it was only 2 days they were the worst 2 days. PL would find ways to make me fall or bang into things making it seem like an accident when it wasn't. The worst was the last day when he was taking us to the airport, he was trying to convince my mother to stay for another week. At that moment I was desperate to get home away from him so I begged my mother to please just go home. So he took us to the airport, my mother was getting luggage from the trunk and I was getting our bags from the back seat. PL turns around from the driver's seat and hurdles his heavy work bag at me. I was hit in the face and chest, it hurt, it hurt so bad but I somehow held the tears and got out of the car. But what hurt me more was that my mother was just standing there, she witnessed what he did to me but she didn't say anything to him.
Afterward, we didn't see him for 6 months. Then again he dropped by unannounced, only this time I didn't have to stay my mom gave me permission to sleep over at my dad's and I took advantage of this. I was practically living at my dad's when my mother called me home saying PL left. This time he left for good taking all of my mother's savings and disappearing forever.
It took my mom a long time to recover from that because since they had a joint account he took all the money away legally even though not a penny was his. To this day I have trust issues, and perhaps it's because of this time as a silent soldier. Whatever the case may be only my aunt Elva, another silent soldier saw my suffering. If she didn't perhaps my hell would have never ended. But today as I look at the situation of my niece I see what she doesn't want anyone else to see. She's another silent soldier, however, her situation is different. PL was never legally bound to my mother so could always go away, my niece on the other had can only hope that she can get more father-daughter days and more time with her grandparents.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
7th Year Anniversary of Sept. 11th
Today is September 11th and I thought it would be appropriate to write about my experiences, memories, and how that day changed all New Yorkers. Even though the terrorist attacks happened 7 years ago to many New Yorkers this day forever reminds us to appreciate life and freedom. Perhaps only New Yorkers really feel the impact of that day and it is a scar on our hearts that only make us stronger.
I was eating breakfast that day, I had class later in the morning so I was taking my time and watching the news. I remember I went to the bathroom and when I came back the news changed to exclusive coverage of plane crashing into one of the twin towers.
I immediately called my aunt on the phone to see if she was watching what I was seeing. At first perhaps we were both optimistic thinking it was an accident since this is New York and there is a lot of air traffic especially where I live which is just 5 minutes from the airport. But then as we were both on the phone trying to reassure ourselves there on the TV we saw a second plane hit the second twin tower.
I don't remember hanging up but in that moment terror seized my heart. It was no accident.
Then as I began to dial the telephone number of my mother the first tower collapsed and plums of smokey and debris litter the city I knew so well. Flash backs of the many trips I took to the twin towers and how beautiful it was inside brought tears to my eyes. Then just when all the news casters were voicing their hopes that the other tower would still stand we could only wait and watch as eventually the second tower fell.
It was only then that I realized the amount of people who were in those buildings. My thoughts immediately went to my sister who worked in union square which is about 2 miles away from ground zero. She was fine but then she told me that her friend Desmond works in the financial center which was located beneath the towers.
After that the phone lines went dead, too many people were calling family so the phone lines couldn't keep up eventually in three hours they would be up again.
Then because of the threat to security all New York airports were closed and secured. How that affected me is that I was basically a prisoner in my own neighborhood. One of the main streets is an entry path to the airport so that was sealed off with military vehicles and for the first time in my life there were no airplanes in the sky. That silence affected my neighbors and I more than the military vehicles.
That night my sister finally got word to us that she was home safe. As well as no air traffic there was no more trains. Many people who worked in the city had to walk home and my sister was one of them it took her 6 hours to get home.
For 3 days my neighborhood was a protected zone and the city was no different. You had to show ID to get in or out. I didn't go to school the first day but the second day I went. It was a little difficult because since my bus is an airport bus it was out of service in my neighborhood so I had to walk a good distance to where it was allowed to run.
At school I can safely say 50% of the population did not attend even 50% of the faculty was missing. However the 50% of us who attended were exposed to high doses of the dust and fumes because my campus is located across the water from the towers in queens.
Because of that exposure I and many others developed respiratory problems and allergies we never had before. It took many years for the effects of the exposure to eventually wear off but even today my lungs have never been strong.
What I learned in those 3 days and every day after is the strength of New Yorkers. We came together and pushed forward. There were many stories of bravery and tears and our innocence was lost; but we persevered.
In one day a city that was my playground became a harsh reminder that America is never safe. But even with that knowledge my life continues, I still go to the city and enjoy it. The events of that day created a scar but it did not kill my love of the city. Of course it took 7 years for me to visit ground zero and as I did I remembered how out of this tragedy we as New Yorkers came together and lived each day to the fullest. We did not let the terrorists take our lives away from us.
Friday, August 29, 2008
First Day Drama
I started school again and to be honest I was feeling a little nervous. I mean it's been 3 years since I attended a class and well you can imagine how rusty my studying habits are now. Plus I know absolutely no one on campus. But I wasn't going to let that get me down because well I'm not a hard person to get along with so I knew I'd get along with someone. But that wasn't an issue on my first day no the big drama came when I went to the security office to get my new ID...
First of all I had to wait on line for about 2 hours, I'm not kidding. Then when I get to the front of the line, finally, I give them my student ID and wait and wait and wait for the camera to flash. The hold up? Well apparently on the school system I'm coming up as STAFF instead of STUDENT. Obviously I'm not a staff member so I'm told to go to the main security office and have them look into the problem. Since it's the first day of school the techie who is suppose to take care of the problem is not there so I have to leave a note and call back the next day.
I call back and the techie tells me I worked for OIT which is the office of information technology. This is true but I haven't worked for them in three years. Unless of course since I'm back at the school I automatically get a job but I don't think that's the case. So techie tells me he has to call human resources to get me off their list blah blah blah and I have to call him today to find out if finally I can get that stupid piece of plastic with my future bad picture.
But believe it or not that's not what pissed me off what pissed me off was waiting in line for 2 hours in front of the most annoying guy on campus. Seriously if he mentioned the army or St. John's again I was gonna whoop some ass I was pissed!
Now I don't know this guy never met him and didn't even talk to him while I was on the line waiting. Plus I'm not a snoop I'd rather not hear your business because it's your business not mine. But when you talk loud enough for people in China to hear then you start to get on my nerves and I had to take 2 hours of this.
This guy was a recent transfer from St. John's and was recently in the army. So the army decided to pay for his education but only at my school and not St. John's U where he would have wanted to stay at. So then he proceeds to tell numerous buddies how crappy the Greek system is at my school and how wonderful St. John's is, and how crappy the athletics department is compared to St. John's.
Seriously if he loved St. John's so much why didn't he stay there? See I think it is beyond rude to bash the school you are going to for free because if you loved the other school so much then stay there or keep your mouth shut.
So other tidbits of information I gathered was that he was recently engaged to a girl in Hungary and that his mom and fiancee get along amazingly. Oh and did I mention he was in the army? Because every 5 minutes he worked the phrase I was in the army into whatever conversation he was having.
Believe me you would be pissed after his 2 hour conversation with the words St. John and army coming up in almost every sentence. So maybe it was fate that made the screw up on my ID because that actually calmed me down and got me off of murderous thoughts.
So besides that dramatic first day I'm liking my classes made some friends and enjoy the privilege of parking wherever I want to on campus. Seriously it feels so good to park my car in the teacher parking lot.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Touchy subject: Family
Maybe I'm the wrong one but when I look at family I see them as people and not as family members. My reason for this different perspective is because well I have not had a good experience with family members plus because of my special circumstances I've been a little isolated from them. So I am not close to anyone not even my own parents, of course the exceptions are my niece Gabby and my little sister Carolina. But put your feet in my shoes and understand that when there are family gatherings that I'm forced to attend it's worst than standing in a room full of strangers...
Believe it or not I feel more comfortable with a bunch of strangers than I do with family members. My reason is that even though strangers are judgmental at least they do not know my history nor think they already know me even though they only see me once a year.
That's one of the things I think is really screwed up about family since they are related they think that gives them the right to believe that they actually know me enough that they can give me advice. First of all how can you know a person if you only see them once a year and never even get to know their likes or dislikes. All they know about me is whatever the family gossips spread and that's basically not much.
So why is it that in the same situation with a stranger you can at least stand up for yourself and say bitch you don't know shit about me so fuck off? Why because they are related to you so that gives them this right to prejudge you and think that they can solve your problems with lectures and advice. Seriously it's a mind control game and thankfully I'm not a part of it, mind you I have nothing against these people but if they were not related to me I would not be friends with them even now I can't call anyone of them a friend.
So because of the bad blood between my sister and I I've had the opportunity to avoid them like the plague and so far I have gotten away from them except for x-mas. Which is the most stressful day of my life and I thank God when it's over and they are all out of my life for another year. So I've been doing the avoidance for about 5 years so u'd think by now they would leave me alone and get the hint that they weren't around for me ever so stop trying and leave me alone.
But no there is always the family gathering that I don't attend therefore my mother gets on my case about and again I ask her why do they care if I go or not. I mean why ask about me in the first place? Do they want more info for family gossip? Are they just being polite and don't really care? Yes and yes.
My father made a very good observation that none of them ever helped me out when I needed it. Of course the exception is my aunt Elva who did actually genuinely care and helped me out of bad situation but besides her all of them have been selfish ass holes. Many times I have been called to help this person or that person and time and time again they have stepped on me like shit because they like to take and never return the favor.
Of course my father wasn't that great there I mean they didn't give me any help and since he was going through this whole thing with my mom he also neglected me. So I have been neglected by both my mother and father and family. So it no wonder that none of them know anything about me that they only know what I let them know which isn't much. It is sad but also a good thing that only my friends know the real me. I trust them more than I do family.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Knowing When Your Life Went Wrong
I don’t think anyone can pin-point the exact moment that there life went wrong. But I think it’s important to realize at this moment that your life went wrong. There is no point in should haves when you know that there is no stepping back.
For example, today was Caro’s induction ceremony into the Junior National Honor Society. Of course I went along with my aunt to show support and of course she made us feel like crap since she didn’t once look at the camera. But that’s her prerogative, as a teenager to not act respectful or grateful, especially when you can get away with it. When I was growing up any sign of disrespect was answered with a slap across the face, the whip, or ear and hair yanking. It was a different time and I guess I wish Caro would have some of those values because even though she might not think much about it a look at the camera does mean a lot to us.
But I guess that’s the big difference between her and I. She grew up sheltered from the world and all the social graces that you learn the hard way from interaction with people. I grew up knowing that the world is cruel and harsh and that every false move you make will be looked upon as a reflection of your bad rearing.
However, regardless she made it in and I’m proud of her although I had my reservations. See in High School I was inducted into the National Honor Society, which was a very prestigious honor and came with great responsibility. I worked hard to get in giving up my summer freedom so that I would have enough community service hours to get in. But in all honesty I can’t remember who went to my induction ceremony because it wasn’t a big deal to anyone. I didn’t even get congratulation from my father who of course didn’t go.
We received the usual certificate and pin that I still have but at that time no one made a fuss. I hate to say that was the point where my life went downhill but it was contributing factor. I learned from then on to not tell anyone about future award ceremonies or achievements. There was no point I reasoned since no one cared what I did as long as I remained on Principal’s List.
In all honesty my High School years were the most painful and wonderful years of my life. Painful because in my freshmen year my parents secretly had a custody hearing and a judge gave total custody to my mother. I was only informed about the hearing after everything was settled. Legally my mother had total control over me. If she didn’t want me to see my father I had no choice he could be arrested for not complying with court documents.
To be honest I felt completely betrayed by both my parents and what was worse I had no one to turn to for comfort. My mother was too full of her victory to realize I was breaking inside and my father just left me alone completely cut off. I couldn’t even call him. That was the beginning of my depression and realization of my neglect. My mother had no sympathy she gloated openly and even started a relationship with a man who made it a daily task to get me to cry every day. She was a fool in love and didn’t see how that man hurt me in more ways than I care to remember.
My self esteem was considerably shattered because home was not safe for me and my mother was too full of her new life and victory to realize I existed. I rebelled a lot in that time because I never wanted to go home. I would go to other places or stay late at school anything so that I wouldn’t have to go home. Dancing was a small comfort but eventually I would have to go home.
I was scared of going home so much that I rather roam the streets and risk injury than go home.
After three long months and my mother’s boyfriend departure for Florida I was finally allowed to visit my father. I was so happy to finally have a place to go to where I felt safe but home is never home after you have left it. All my father could talk about after three months of not seeing me was how horrible my mother was how she’s the worst of people. Hour after hour that’s all he wanted to talk about not about how he missed me or why he let the judge give full custody to my mother. He just wanted to talk about the evils of my mother and not about finding out if everything was fine with me.
And that’s the moment I realized that if I told him the truth there would be no end of bad mouthing my mother because that’s the only thing he could do in the situation. What was worst is that when I went home my mother started the bad mouthing of my father to the point that I just tuned her out and waited for her to get tired so that I could go to sleep.
Both parents were angry at each other and since they couldn’t take it out on each other I was put in the middle. One side told me horrible things to say to the other and vice versa. I was not their daughter I was a messenger caught in the middle. I couldn’t tell them how I really felt because they would turn my words into fuel plus if my mother really knew what my father was saying about her she would never let me see him.
Eventually after six months their banter cooled down to only a couple of insults here and there.
It is around this time that I started to put myself down and lead double lives. I could never say to my parents “hey look at me I’m hurting, stop trying to get back at each other and notice me!” I always felt like I was on a tight-rope and they were holding each side of the rope one false move and I would fall.
So for every accomplishment, reward, or honor I received even though I felt proud about them I always had to worry about who to invite. If I invited my mother obviously my father couldn’t go. If I invited my father after the ceremony my mother would punish me for not inviting her. Everything I accomplished came with a double edged sword therefore I stopped making my accomplishments known. It was too complicated; I could never feel proud of myself.
So today when I saw how openly proud of Caro father was for her getting into the Junior National Honor Society even though she didn’t work for the community service hours but hey it is hard getting hours at her age so if they did some fancy paper work who am I to judge? I felt a little hurt because father doesn’t even remember any of my accomplishments or that I got into the National Honor Society at all. I don’t even think he remembered that I got 12 awards at my eight grade graduation or that I was valedictorian or that when I graduated high school I wore the gold tassel on my shoulder indicating that I graduated with high honors.
Nope he doesn’t remember anything because I put down the golden tassel and the awards and the honors. So I got a congratulation that I graduated but no one cared about my high honors or awards. No one cared.
So now that I look back and then see my present is it no wonder that my life is so screwed up? The ones that were suppose to support me or at least encourage me never could because I did not let them. I am in my present situation because I never thought I was good enough to be alive. I believed that since no one cared what I did that I was unworthy of life and all the gifts it gave me. Now it’s too late they will never care because I have trained them not to care about me.
But it’s not too late for me to start caring about myself. For once in my life I am going to be selfish I am going to stop putting others first, now I am going to be my only priority. It took me a long time but I think I can finally worry about myself and then help myself achieve my dreams because no matter what anyone says I am the only one that can change my life; no one else.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Sex and the City Movie!
Last night I was feeling a little blue that I wasn't going to be able to see the Sex and the City Movie. I was looking forward to seeing it for months. I even had a viewing marathon of all the seasons in the prior weeks so that I would remember all the little details I'd forgotten over the 4 year wait. But as fate would have it my plans for seeing it with friends fell through thanks to online ticket purchasing. Last night every theater where you could buy tickets online was sold out. We should have planned ahead but we didn't so there I was stuck with no place to go...
Then a miracle happened! My mother who is often very forgetful remembered yesterday that it was the premier of the movie. And believe it or not she wanted to see it. I guess she did watch almost all the episodes of Sex and the City while I was watching them so it got her in the mood. But wait! Aren't all the theaters sold out? Well it was a long shot but we tried the theater in East Brooklyn that we frequent because usually all the movies we like are usually not that full because the movie goers of East Brooklyn aren't really into them.
And as predicted there were seats available! I guess we were really lucky that since it's East Brooklyn they haven't crossed over to the online ticket purchasing yet. We sat in great seats and couldn't wait for the movie to start. Both of us were a little apprehensive about the movie because we read or heard so many mixed reviews about the movie. I mean someone bashed the movie on the front page of a highly circulated newspaper!
But we were fans and were determined to like it at least for closure's sake.
We were not disappointed! It was a great movie, a little long yes but a great movie adaptation of the series. We laughed and cried tears of joy and sorrow and in the end we wanted more. Yes the story line was typical but it had the magic of the series and any true fan would enjoy it.
And this morning as I was watching the E! True Hollywood Story of the women of Sex and the City I got the best piece of gossip that there are plans for another movie. Anyone who watched the movie can probably guess where the story line will go but that doesn't mean that we won't want to watch it.
