Without a doubt I need therapy! Why oh why can't I say no to my aunt Renee? I mean I seriously do not want to go to my sister's wedding!!! But I just can't say NO!!! Alright I'm not crazy, but I have deep rooted issues when it comes to gossiping family. Normally a person brushes family gossip aside and I do but sometimes you just can't.
It's no secret that my sister and I do not get along. We haven't ever since that night my phone was on vibrate because I had a new spring semester schedule that was 12 hours long and I didn't get a chance to call and tell her I won't be able to go to kick boxing. Being the understanding person that she is the next morning she was already telling everyone what an ungrateful bitch I was and started her silent treatment. By the way she's 12 years older than me and I'm 25 so do the math.
So finally after many many years she is finally getting married. To be fair I wish her happiness and hope her husband-to-be won't be shocked when she finally let's her true personality out. But that's another issue and today I want to talk about why did she invite me and why can't I say NO?
I mean the truth is that I will be very uncomfortable the whole night. First our father won't even be there, because surprise they don't get along (she's been giving him the silence treatment for more than ten years). Next she has never acknowledged our little sister. So in other words we are just invited so that people will not talk. But the truth is that people will talk but not about her about my little sis and I. And that hurts but it's not like I've been given a choice and since financially I have no means to run away I'm stuck going to this event that literally makes me sick.
Not sick in the sense that it makes me nauseas but that it stresses me so much that I literally get a virus or some other disease again and again. This is not voluntary but something my body does when I'm stressed out. I've always had a weak immune system so when I'm stressed I literally catch whatever is floating in the air.
Honestly I wish she didn't invite me then I wouldn't be in this situation!!!
Sunday, September 23, 2007
I am such a wimp!!!
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Purpose of a Gift
Today my mom did taxi service for me by taking around my aunt and my sister-in-law shopping. This is not something she enjoys but since she owed me a favor she drove them around. But there is something you have to understand, my aunt is not the easiest person to get along with. Well neither is my mom but if you watch the movie Driving Miss Daisy I think you might get an idea of what's it's like spending the day with my aunt. She's not all bad but she has this great prejudice of things not necessary. Unfortunately my mom wanted to give my little 5 year old niece a present. This started my aunt's persistent nagging that just doesn't turn off until you leave her presence.
It all began innocently with my mom giving away clothes that she doesn't need to my sister-in-law and my other niece Gabby who is 9. Since Melon was feeling left out because she was too little for any of my mom's clothes, my mom decided to get something for her when they went shopping. So she promised Melon that she would get her something and if there's one thing Melon doesn't forget is that someone is getting her a present. (Seriously the kid did not forget that I promised to get her Snow White!)
So this is all innocent fun until my aunt gets wind of the unnecessary gift. According to her Melon has just too many clothes and doesn't need anymore because Ingrid just gave them a lot of hand-me-downs which are prime for wearing. But my mom, bless her heart didn't listen because she made a promise to Melon. So they all went off to Liberty to shop around for groceries then clothes. All through grocery shopping all my aunt did was try to talk my mom out of buying something for Melon. Of course she conveniently forgets that Gabby, Melon's sister, has triple the wardrobe, yet she never complains about Gabby getting more stuff.
So my mother endured, until all food was collected, paid for and loaded into the car. My aunt was beaming since she thought she won this battle since my mom wouldn't possibly get something for Melon since there was meat in the trunk. But God love her my mom has a stubborn streak just as bad as my aunt and didn't forget her promise to Melon. So she made everyone get out of the car and follow her to the store as she looked for a dress for Melon. My aunt was fuming but knew she lost the battle. The dress was paid for in less than 5 minutes and everyone was on their way home.
Melon was trilled with her dress that her aunt Martha got for her fulfilling their promise and my aunt just ranted and raved the injustice of sweet Melon getting a present.
Now my opinion on this whole episode is that my aunt is biased when it comes to Gabby and her other siblings. I understand this but seriously Melon is a precocious 5 year old who is unfortunately the middle child and not a boy. Meaning that usually she is brushed aside for her little brother or pushed aside by her big sister. So even I understand how a little thing like a new dress means a lot to her, hell my mom understand as well since she was also kinda a middle child. But explain that to my aunt who never sees a present as a gift but as a burden.
Tomorrow I will try to talk some sense into her because seriously it was just a dress and it brought a smile to Melon's face. Even if it takes up more room in her closet and she totally forgets about it in the future. She will remember that her aunt Martha kept her promise and I think that's more important. It's just sad that my aunt doesn't understand that so tries to take away the importance of the action. I guess everyone in some way has their selfish side. But when it comes to kids I just wish these selfish sides would hold back and let the real meaning of gifts shine through.
Why a Pushover???
My dad left for Peru with my little sis for the summer. That means I'm on car service duty for the summer. Which really translates into me being my aunt's beck and call girl. Believe it or not I'm okay with that because that's what I usually do in the summer when my dad goes off on vacation and my aunt stays home. But what I'm not okay with is the assumption that I'm helping her to plan her daughter's, my older sister's, wedding...
Alright since I didn't layout my family dynamics (which I'm keeping for another post) just know that I have an older brother who is 14 years older than me and an older sister who is 12 years older than me, plus a little sister who is 13 years younger than me. Only the two older ones have the same mom but we all have the same dad. It's confusing and brings up questions but I don't really want to get into it at this time.
Anyway back to my sister's wedding. It's in October on what I think is the unlucky day of 13 but who knows maybe is precognitive. Anyway, also another topic is that I am not on speaking terms with my older sister. Believe it or not we did grow up together but I have always been the thorn in her side.
For years I have been her slave and was willing to do anything she asked of me and I did quite frequently. But, one day I screwed up, I admit it that I was tired from a 14 hour class schedule and had my cell on vibrate. So while I was busy with my new schedule I didn't call her to tell her I wasn't going to gym that night and that I wouldn't be able to take her. But of course the damage was done and the next day she was calling me an ungrateful wretch and she started the silent treatment which has lasted to this day.
Now I know the silent treatment is really a childish way of avoiding confrontation but I am not the first one she has done this with. So if you can't tell I was really hurt by this behavior. I mean seriously I'm fucking human! I admit I screwed up but you'd think that as my sister she would eventually forgive me or at least hear my explanation but no nothing thus far.
So when she finally and I mean finally got engaged last Christmas I had to act all happy in front of the family when I really wanted to give my condolences to the groom since he really doesn't know her true nature. Sadly also that was the first and only time my little sister ever got a hug from her which kinda gives you a clue to my older sister's mentality.
Anyway, you'd think that this would be an opportunity for her to say bygones be bygones but no same old silent treatment. It wasn't a shocker that she choose her best friend Cristine to be her maid of honor nor that her cousin Ingrid and her other friend Sylvann were her bridesmaids. It hurt but I was expecting it even when we used to talk.
What I didn't count on is that her best friend is a completely selfish bitch who doesn't know how to return a favor. Now my older sister, Cynthia, worked her ass off for Cristine's wedding and went beyond the call of duty. But since Cristine has a child the only thing she has done for Cynthia is book the place for the bridal shower and nothing else. She is depending on my aunt to do the rest because since she's busy with her son she doesn't have the time to do anything. Now my aunt is Cynthia's mother and has several serious medical conditions one of which is high blood pressure. So it is inadvisable to put her under stressful situations like planning a bridal shower since she knows nothing about bridal showers.
But tell that to self-involved Cristine who can't call a baby-sitter and get her ass on the shower so that my aunt lives long enough to watch her daughter walk down the aisle.
Anyway so that's where I come in. Due to my vast knowledge of weddings as I've seen them done on TV I have been the one my aunt asks for ideas and such for the shower. Now you have to understand that I'm not going to the wedding I've already decided that so I think it is unfair that I have to help plan the event when I'm not even going to that event either. I mean if I was paid and this was my job then I would swallow my pride and pitch in. But Cynthia thus far has treated me like crap and I'm suppose to be the pushover that plans her bridal shower and gives all the credit to her mother? I don't think so!!! It would be a different story if Cynthia were civil to me when family is not around but that's not the case. So I'm sorry if her mother gets a heart attack I am not getting involved. Maybe when her mother is in the hospital will her self-involved posse of bitches realize they should've bothered with something other than their lives.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Quickly falling sand
Why is it that time passes so quickly? I remember when I was 5 and time seemed to last forever. An hour felt like a year, a minute like an hour and a year felt infinite. When did time start to speed up?
My life is not what I pictured it to be. According to my plans I would be at a 9 to 5 job working my life away not enjoying true life until I retired. But just to show you life threw me a bone. Instead of my life falling into place it did everything but... I followed a major that I thought would add prestige and money to my life. But instead it has offered me an ever present excuse for not getting a job. If I haven't made it clear before, I live with my mom and visit my dad. Both have fought over me and I have usually been the go-between. So perhaps it was guilt that let them not say anything or maybe they just didn't want to let go of me.
Thanks to my dad I've had an education of being a travel agent. So far I have planned family trips to Florida, Italy, Japan, and China. So I have gotten to know a good chunk of the world and it's addicting.
Thanks to my mom I have learned how to manage a household. It's hard and sometimes you want to escape which is why the world is so addicting. But thanks to both of them I have learned the true power of cash. Cold hard cash can bring happiness and satisfaction and I crave it... but I haven't gotten it.
It's scary to admit that two years have passed since I left college. And I have nothing to show for it. At first my excuse was that I needed time off since I've been in the educational system for over 19 years. I started school at 4 and didn't have a proper vacation since I entered college meaning every summer I took summer classes.
So for a year I was suppose to get my life together. I was suppose to get a real vacation then go back to the corporate world like I didn't taste freedom. But I was better at being home and people needed me and I got into the habit of being helpful. It was good and I felt like I had a purpose until I got injured and I was out of everyone's lives for three weeks. In those 3 weeks my life changed without my knowing and now it's like I have to either sink or swim.
Time has finally caught up with me and I know that it's a possessing demon but I have to learn to live with it or it will torment me forever. But in it's evil way it has made my days shorter. Things I want to accomplish I can't because time slips between my fingers like sand and I can't hold on so everything is pushed to the next day and the next until finally all I can do is watch it forward itself without me being able to do anything.
Why is it at this time that everyone feels they must push me in the right direction but then let go and say okay I gave you a shove now the rest is up to you. But the thing is I still next their invisible hand guiding me because I feel lost without it.
Case in point I want to go back to school but don't have the finances. My mother says she will support me but yet fails to give me the paper work so I can get financial aid. My father tells me to go after the job my brother is applying for without first considering whether I am capable of such labor.
In other words everyone is throwing me a bone and I can't catch all of them. This is the beginning of stress and the edge of reason. I have to get my priorities together but when I try, something gets in my way like saying I know you have to do something but I'm gonna try my best to stop you.
When will life give me a chance? Haven't I been troubled enough in life that I need to continually suffer? When will time slow down a bit so I can catch up with it and use it to my advantage... when?
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Testing your American Accent
Since my parents immigrated here a thousand years ago. I've always wondered what kind of American accent I have. Unlike other people my accent has been influenced by my surroundings and TV in general. It's not like I snubbed my parents or anything but as far back as I can remember they have always encouraged me to speak proper English without an accent. Well here's the proof of it all... their hard work finally paid off:
| What American accent do you have? (Best version so far) Northern You have a Northern accent. That could either be the Chicago/Detroit/Cleveland/Buffalo accent (easily recognizable) or the Western New England accent that news networks go for.
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| Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests. |
Okay, now you have to understand this really is an accomplishment because I have been exposed to a lot of the wrong kinds of accents so it's a miracle that none of them stuck. For example, I grew up in East Brooklyn, borough of crack whores, shootings, and gang wars; where every other sentence in a conversation ended or started with yo yo! And the sentence "she didn't do nothing" was considered proper English.
I guess you would have to blame it on the nuns for griding grammar into my head. But in all honesty their old Italian-American accents weren't that great either. However, they weren't the only Italians I was exposed to. Around when I was 10 we moved to the then totally racist community known as Howard Beach.
Howard Beach got a bad rap because of an incident involving some white Italian guys beating a black guy so bad that in desperation he tried to escape them by running across the Belt Parkway, thus ending his life. So it was no secret that in Howard Beach they like white and nothing but white. So you can imagine the surprise when my Spanish dad bought a house there and I was thrown into the situation of being the only Spanish kid on the block. Surprisingly I survived without any scraps and even managed to get along with the neighborhood kids without getting on the bad side of the mafia families.
So there you go I went from an old Italian Brooklyn accent to a new Italian-American accent. I guess you can say I was going in the right direction. But the biggest impact of the accent I have today were the girls at TMLA. Yup, I went to an all girls Catholic high school. And just to let you know, all the rumors about Catholic School Girls are pretty accurate.
Anyway this was a whole new world. I was among the middle and upper middle class. Some of these girls had connections for concerts, outings in the Hampton's and even knew a couple of A-list Hollywood movie stars. So you can imagine how I fit right in. Of course that's where the whole life lesson of blending in came in handy. I studied my friends habits I'd pick up there mannerisms and in the end according to my brother I was talking like I was from those fancy places in Connecticut.
But of course all things must come to and end and I was thrown into the college environment. This time I did not try to blend in so my accent became my accent a combination of good English and TV. So Ma and Pa I achieved the American dream... I sound like a freakin Yank!
Friday, June 15, 2007
What is it about the number Three?
Today I seem to be plagued with the curse of Three. It took me three tries to get my banner the way I like it and it took me three tries to get the collapsing post working. But finally my first blog is looking a little more personal. I know it might not mean anything but I am very grateful to Hackosphere for the great code and ~Paws of Strength~ for the Beautiful picture on my banner. I did not get a chance to ask their permission to use it because I couldn't figure out who the moderator was but as soon as I do I will be begging my ass off for it. Oh and since I am plagued by three I better call it a night and shake off this jinx so that I can add Hackosphere's promo and do it justice.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
That which is new is scarier than what is old.
After many months of debating with my internal cat I've decided to try blogging. Why? Well if anyone cares I guess the most basic reason is that I need a therapeutic output. Now I'm not bitching about a troubled life or anything but come on who doesn't need to get their thoughts out especially when there is no one to listen? I'm not a loner but I have trust issues you can say... plus, does anyone really like hearing the problems of their friends? I mean honestly?
Okay... well I am one of those people who genuinely care about other's problems so that makes me a listener. But the problem is that I'm always listening, always caring, always supporting, but who the hell is my listener? No one... well that's not entirely true I do have friends who listen but I mean because of the trust issues I hide a lot of crap from them. This is not fair to them and not helpful to my mental health so now we've come full circle on why I'm starting this thing.
Now I guess you have to wonder why my mom isn't my listener since that's her biological duty as a mother to be my listener. Well... she has her own issues and being a mother is one of those issues. To sum it up she is a selfish creature who treats strangers with more caring than her own daughter. A normal person might have reported her for neglect a long time ago but let's face it I'm not normal I've never been normal and I think people who want to be normal are just lying to themselves.
I guess I painted a bad picture of my mom so let me clear it up. She's not a bad person but she's not a typical mother. For example, when I was 15 I stayed out all night till about 3am. The next day you'd think I'd get it but instead she didn't realize I was out. Plus when I asked if I did it again would she care, she simply said that she trusted me and knew I was street smart enough to not do anything stupid.
Maybe someone will understand when I say her profession is a Nurse. I thought her behavior was unique until at a yearly hospital x-mas party I asked peers about their mothers. Turns out this neglectful nature is not uncommon among nurses. They all trust us and know we won't do anything stupid.
So perhaps someone might be saying I had the ideal teen years going out when I wanted without ever having a curfew. (I'll leave that answer to another post) But the truth is that because of this independence I was forced to grow up quicker. It was like since no one was saying they are responsible for me I have to be responsible for myself. And I wasn't entirely unprepared thanks to my mother's blunt nature I knew the facts of life at age 6 all about STDs at age 9 and I could dress a wound better than a school nurse since the age of 3.
I was set for life but that only made me realize that my mom wasn't set for life. Even though now she is more independent in those early years she always needed support. Impulsively she would latch onto the wrong kind of support until our emancipation when she latched onto me.
Now I think she's alright and even though I still can't trust her it's not that bad anymore but she still doesn't know anything about me.
In order to understand me you have to understand the duality of my relationship with people. There's the real me then there's the me with just my mom, just my dad, just my family in general, just with friends, just with lovers, and just with school people. I'm never the real me and that's a defense mechanism I picked up since I can remember.
Well there you have it I'm a weird cat on an earthbound moon waiting to be called home.
