Knowing When Your Life Went Wrong

I don’t think anyone can pin-point the exact moment that there life went wrong. But I think it’s important to realize at this moment that your life went wrong. There is no point in should haves when you know that there is no stepping back.

For example, today was Caro’s induction ceremony into the Junior National Honor Society. Of course I went along with my aunt to show support and of course she made us feel like crap since she didn’t once look at the camera. But that’s her prerogative, as a teenager to not act respectful or grateful, especially when you can get away with it. When I was growing up any sign of disrespect was answered with a slap across the face, the whip, or ear and hair yanking. It was a different time and I guess I wish Caro would have some of those values because even though she might not think much about it a look at the camera does mean a lot to us.

But I guess that’s the big difference between her and I. She grew up sheltered from the world and all the social graces that you learn the hard way from interaction with people. I grew up knowing that the world is cruel and harsh and that every false move you make will be looked upon as a reflection of your bad rearing.

However, regardless she made it in and I’m proud of her although I had my reservations. See in High School I was inducted into the National Honor Society, which was a very prestigious honor and came with great responsibility. I worked hard to get in giving up my summer freedom so that I would have enough community service hours to get in. But in all honesty I can’t remember who went to my induction ceremony because it wasn’t a big deal to anyone. I didn’t even get congratulation from my father who of course didn’t go.

We received the usual certificate and pin that I still have but at that time no one made a fuss. I hate to say that was the point where my life went downhill but it was contributing factor. I learned from then on to not tell anyone about future award ceremonies or achievements. There was no point I reasoned since no one cared what I did as long as I remained on Principal’s List.

In all honesty my High School years were the most painful and wonderful years of my life. Painful because in my freshmen year my parents secretly had a custody hearing and a judge gave total custody to my mother. I was only informed about the hearing after everything was settled. Legally my mother had total control over me. If she didn’t want me to see my father I had no choice he could be arrested for not complying with court documents.

To be honest I felt completely betrayed by both my parents and what was worse I had no one to turn to for comfort. My mother was too full of her victory to realize I was breaking inside and my father just left me alone completely cut off. I couldn’t even call him. That was the beginning of my depression and realization of my neglect. My mother had no sympathy she gloated openly and even started a relationship with a man who made it a daily task to get me to cry every day. She was a fool in love and didn’t see how that man hurt me in more ways than I care to remember.

My self esteem was considerably shattered because home was not safe for me and my mother was too full of her new life and victory to realize I existed. I rebelled a lot in that time because I never wanted to go home. I would go to other places or stay late at school anything so that I wouldn’t have to go home. Dancing was a small comfort but eventually I would have to go home.

I was scared of going home so much that I rather roam the streets and risk injury than go home.

After three long months and my mother’s boyfriend departure for Florida I was finally allowed to visit my father. I was so happy to finally have a place to go to where I felt safe but home is never home after you have left it. All my father could talk about after three months of not seeing me was how horrible my mother was how she’s the worst of people. Hour after hour that’s all he wanted to talk about not about how he missed me or why he let the judge give full custody to my mother. He just wanted to talk about the evils of my mother and not about finding out if everything was fine with me.

And that’s the moment I realized that if I told him the truth there would be no end of bad mouthing my mother because that’s the only thing he could do in the situation. What was worst is that when I went home my mother started the bad mouthing of my father to the point that I just tuned her out and waited for her to get tired so that I could go to sleep.

Both parents were angry at each other and since they couldn’t take it out on each other I was put in the middle. One side told me horrible things to say to the other and vice versa. I was not their daughter I was a messenger caught in the middle. I couldn’t tell them how I really felt because they would turn my words into fuel plus if my mother really knew what my father was saying about her she would never let me see him.

Eventually after six months their banter cooled down to only a couple of insults here and there.

It is around this time that I started to put myself down and lead double lives. I could never say to my parents “hey look at me I’m hurting, stop trying to get back at each other and notice me!” I always felt like I was on a tight-rope and they were holding each side of the rope one false move and I would fall.

So for every accomplishment, reward, or honor I received even though I felt proud about them I always had to worry about who to invite. If I invited my mother obviously my father couldn’t go. If I invited my father after the ceremony my mother would punish me for not inviting her. Everything I accomplished came with a double edged sword therefore I stopped making my accomplishments known. It was too complicated; I could never feel proud of myself.

So today when I saw how openly proud of Caro father was for her getting into the Junior National Honor Society even though she didn’t work for the community service hours but hey it is hard getting hours at her age so if they did some fancy paper work who am I to judge? I felt a little hurt because father doesn’t even remember any of my accomplishments or that I got into the National Honor Society at all. I don’t even think he remembered that I got 12 awards at my eight grade graduation or that I was valedictorian or that when I graduated high school I wore the gold tassel on my shoulder indicating that I graduated with high honors.

Nope he doesn’t remember anything because I put down the golden tassel and the awards and the honors. So I got a congratulation that I graduated but no one cared about my high honors or awards. No one cared.

So now that I look back and then see my present is it no wonder that my life is so screwed up? The ones that were suppose to support me or at least encourage me never could because I did not let them. I am in my present situation because I never thought I was good enough to be alive. I believed that since no one cared what I did that I was unworthy of life and all the gifts it gave me. Now it’s too late they will never care because I have trained them not to care about me.

But it’s not too late for me to start caring about myself. For once in my life I am going to be selfish I am going to stop putting others first, now I am going to be my only priority. It took me a long time but I think I can finally worry about myself and then help myself achieve my dreams because no matter what anyone says I am the only one that can change my life; no one else.

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